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[TobiasK]

BY Ozzie | January 21st, 2009 at 5:29 AM
Why we don’t want to impress
Tags: Inner Confidence
Most guys you get on BC come under the impression that the instructor is going to teach them the ropes to impress women. Wrong.

One of the things that needs to go away is the drive to impress people- and subbed it with being comfortable being yourself.

I was the other day talking to a girl in my regular salsa club. I go there on Wednesdays and dance all night. I meet plenty of girls and dance with them. Sometimes I strike conversations if I am not practicing and it is usually and undoubtedly when I do my best. I am in a dancing mood, in a good mood and girls finish dancing and strike a conversation with me and start asking where I am from etc...

Funny thing is that for me those are not pick up nights. Those are my dancing nights. However I seem to do better when I am not thinking pick up. Women can’t get enough. They hover around, wait around for me to dance with them, then talk to them. Needless to say, after a year of regular salsa dancing I am in the top 10 percent of the salsa dancers in any salsa club. But that’s not the point. I seem to be in my element there and so the girls chill around me. I am being my chill self.

“I must go and pick her up now” mindset.

This type of mindset generates all kinds of problems. The first and by far the most dangerous of all is that guys think they have to approach and impress. I usually get this mindset from guys who have been in the game for a while even gotten laid regularly, etc...They stick to what works and I can understand that. Let’s say they got plenty of kiss closes with a line they will use it to death. They refuse to go for it without the line. They are hooked to that line. They don’t think they can get a make out any other way.

It surprises them when they get 2 or 3 make outs with just “going for it”. Funny thing is that when they do that they never go back to the lines. They don’t feel they need a line anymore.

This applies to openers and conversation starters. Most guys cannot believe they can open with their honest opinion on fried chicken. When they see they can do it, they pretty much drop everything else.
Brilliance of statements. Learn how being bold can change the way you interact with women

Be assertive.

Our society is build around the idea of compliance, read “follow”, don’t lead. Because instead of order, we would have chaos.

But not following your inner impulses can be death in a club when you face girls.

Instead of asking, take; instead of questioning, affirm. Let’s say I want to ask “where are you from?”, instead I use “let me guess, you are....” that’s just a tiny example. For the most part I don’t want to ask a whole lot of questions, especially at the beginning of an interaction. Use lots of “I want...” “I think...” “I believe” sentences. I force my students to start conversations with statements. I try to make them more assertive from the get go.

Being assertive communicates you are comfortable being yourself around people. It is also a way of reaffirming yourself.

Lose a few, win a few.

Bold statements drill is an exercise designed to fulfil the purpose of being yourself and saying whatever you feel like saying around girls. I ask guys to tell me what they really would like to say to a girl about a particular subject. I ask them to turn the sensors off and tell me how they feel about for example “women shoes”.

I, of course, tell guys bad language and insults are out of limits just to be safe. I want them to be honest. I one time had this guy telling me “women shoes are very confusing to me”. We approached girls that night by saying “women shoes are confusing to me”. He opened groups successfully all night with that.

It was just an exercise for my students to get bolder and honest around women. I also instruct them to stop talking after they say their bold statements and wait for women to fill in the gaps. Most guys struggle to fill in the gaps of a conversation with girls. In my case, I want to say my bold statement, something I really feel like saying and let them talk.

It is very counter intuitive because most guys find it hard to stop talking after they say something bold. They feel they must “explain themselves”, more like “apologise themselves” for having a spine. I force them to shut up and listen to the girls. It works. This single exercise here is responsible for most epiphanies on day 1 on my live program. Guys cannot believe what just happened. They expressed themselves honestly around a girl and the girl loved it.

Reality check: women hate the “interview”. Instead make a lot of statements. A good way to go about it is to say something bold and let them fill in the gaps. Never ask girls questions before they do. Avoid the interview style.