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[TobiasK]

BY Ozzie | August 12th, 2009 at 3:41 PM
Why We Change
A lot have been said about change and what it takes to change. I don’t think I can add anything new that has not been out there in any way, matter or form.

I personally have experienced quite a few dramatic changes in my life too.

I have tried to explain, articulate, and teach what goes into changing to fail every time. I have learned bits and pieces here and there. I have taught those but there is always a lack of a defined map for change.

Changing The Scene

Many people change after a change of scenery.

I remember as far back as elementary school, changing schools was dramatic. I didn’t have the usual friends and the usual scenery. Even as a small child I was thrown into an uncharted territory and forced to thrive on my own. I remembered those school changes as forcing me to grow or sometimes retreat into a shell. I changed 3 times of schools and finally settled as I went into 7th grade into a school and environment where I felt I belonged more. I started doing better, practiced more sports, made more friends but it finally ended when I went to high school. I went to a dorm school and it really shook my foundations. This was by far the craziest environment I ever been thrown to, one that was hard adapt- it was a shock.

All these changes forced me to change who I was in order to adapt-of course, I was a kid growing up, forming a personality but still- they all stroke my core, my identity.

Identity level change. The accelerator

The accelerator for change is usually an event or a series of them. They send you into a major life transition be it a drastic change of scenery or a life event-death of a loved one-, or even a positive one-winning of the lottery.

Most people think the accelerator has to be a negative one. Contrary to popular opinion the accelerator for change can be a “positive” event. Some people become miserable after winning the lottery or inheriting a large sum of money. It turns out that saying good bye to their old life-read old identity-, is troublesome and sad even if their old identity sucks. They find themselves struggling to adapt to the new life or “identity”.

Going out 4 nights a week will challenge your usual routine of watching TV or surfing the net for endless hours. Even if watching TV sucks you will find it hard to change this habit. You will want to go back to that life after going out for a while. You want the comfort of your living room without girls. It sucks but you will want it. Even if you are making out with girls in bars and getting a lay here and there. I remember many a Friday coming back from work, tired and wanting to stay home and watch TV.

I recently changed my ultra lean diet for another one. The accelerator was seeing my buddy Goran breaking his abs in less than 2 weeks. I couldn’t believe it. So, I changed my diet and tried the new one. It was a good accelerator.

On my first day on the new diet, I had terrible headaches but kept going. It is going fine now.

Change Is Traumatic And Uncomfortable. It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

If you are stuck into an identity that is not making you very happy you will be thrown into hell if you want to change it. Moving out of an old identity is horrifying. Most people experience alienation, confusion, frustration and a million other painful forms of unease.

In a way you could say you are doing the right thing when you feel those negative emotions. Your emotional compass is telling you that real change is taking place. Your identity is changing. So it hurts.

Like going to the gym for the first time in years, makes every muscle in your body hurt for weeks on end, your new identity will make you ache inside.

Rejection And Pick Up

Being rejected on a regular basis is the price guys pay to get good at pick up. It takes a lot of getting used to. The pain of rejection is something your old identity doesn’t like and refuses to adapt to. Still it is a necessary change in your identity. You require adapting to this new scenery for it will bring you all the joy of banging girls that otherwise would be out of your league.

Internal validation implies a change of identity, a painful one, for guys are in the habit of being rewarded externally for what they do. Society teaches that over and over.

Eventually guys develop a sense of entitlement that is attractive to most girls out there but until that comes they need to go thru necessary identity level changes.

Change Can Be Comfortable. There Is A Map For Change

It looks like I am contradicting myself but I am not. You can study the map of change and predict it, even ride it comfortably.

The same way you can manipulate yourself out of a plateau in a learning curve- for you to do that, you need to know how a learning curve operates. Let’s say you are in a plateau, you can feel it, and all you have to do is to start doing something different.

Likewise there is a map for change. Your body will tell you. Your emotional compass can identify when there is an accelerator happening. It is identifiable because things become uncomfortable.

All change goes thru this sequence:

1. Accelerator/catharsis (my life sucks; girlfriend dumped me, no social life, I hit rock bottom with drugs or alcohol, etc.)
2. New life plan(decide to take a bootcamp, buy a DVD, read a book, writing down goals, new identity or life plan,)
3. Readjustment of plan according to changing reality (rejections, bad nights, good nights, Pu learning, old identity frame snap backs, etc...)
4. Land of milk and honey(fuck buddies, ltrs, threesomes)

If you follow this pattern change can be even enjoyable. This is the map you will use. All it takes is to know where you are in that sequence. Learning who you are is a huge part of making changes simple and comfortable. It takes honesty to understand and recognize where you are in that sequence.

Back To Square One

The point is that you don’t stay in step 4. Sooner rather than later you will find yourself stagnating and yearning for new changes in your life. Unforeseen things and events will make you go back to a catharsis or accelerator and force you to create a new life plan. Change will show its ugly head again. But is it ugly? Or, is it a sign of good things yet to come?

Habit Of Change

People who have been thru major life changes in the course of their existence are better equipped for change. Their internal compass will move like a fish in the water. They know intuitively the map of change. The same way happens when you learn a new language. For 1rs timers a new language proves to be a challenge. For people who already know another language, learning a new language is easier. They already know what it takes. They have an internal road map for learning languages. Same happens with change.

Another good example is break ups. People who learned the game go easily thru break ups. For most people breaking up with a girlfriend is painful and traumatizing. For guys in the game, they know how easy they can get another so this change is known and charted territory. They do better at it.