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[TobiasK]

BY Ozzie | March 4th, 2010 at 12:26 AM
Hey, I Am a Good Guy
(Fair warning: probably my corniest article to date. Meaning I don’t expect you to relate much to what I say here. But hey, it is free. Enjoy!)

It all started small. People would compliment me and I would feel awkward and tense. At first I didn’t pay much attention. Then it grew up and it became almost a default reaction to compliments. It was simple. I couldn’t take compliments. I was perpetually discontent with who I was. Actually compliments brought up the worst in me. “Am I worth it? Is that really me? I know I suck sometimes”, so went my selftalk.

If it was my girlfriend who gave me the compliment, it was not valid because I was banging her. If it was a student it was not serious because the student was on a BC high and just super excited. If it was my company, they are just doing their jobs, it cannot be real.

Bottom Line

I didn’t like myself no matter what I did. Discontent was permanent. It all came down to lower self esteem- I needed to do something, achieve something, win something, be the best at whatever. Horse crap. And the joy of achievement is short lived. It is so fleeting it barely lasts longer than 20 minutes. I might as well get high on alcohol. It is the same shit. I got tired of chasing futile dreams that won’t bring long lasting joy.

Fear Of Non Achievement And Paralysis

Well without achievement what am I? A big nothing. Undependable, untrustworthy, a big none. How can I reconcile my need for achievement with the need to truly feel lasting joy?

The Myth Of Permanence

Actually deep down I believed that positive things could be permanent. It was a big head fuck. I thought that I could be good all the time, do right all the time, feel good all the time, etc...And that in itself is misery.

Nothing is permanent. It is against nature. With achievement I was just trying to perpetuate good feelings. But it is the nature of feelings to not stay with you, no matter what. You can not feel truly miserable more than 20 minutes. Try and time yourself. Same applies to jolly feelings.

I was not after real achievement. I was after good feelings. I was after a mirage.

Hey, I Am A Good Guy

It all came down to admitting I am a good person and that I have something to offer to the world. Something unique. My contribution. However small it was mine. Good guys do that. I need to admit that even though I might screw up big here and there I am still good. Nothing is wasted. Even one hour in the tube, where the train stops for no reason, it is a good hour. I don’t have to do anything in particular.

Pick Up And Permanence

Most guys want to extend their good performance to all their actions in the field. This in turn sabotages them. Why? Their state is defined by whether they succeed or fail in the approach. Their state goes up and down because good/bad performances in a club scenario largely depend on a variety of factors not under your control.

Try To Fuck Up

Pay attention to where Kasparov says that in every successful game there were a number of mistakes.

I send the students all the time into “failed missions”-chances of succeeding are none. I want them to get resilient at making mistakes. It turns guys on to feel they can fail and nothing happens. They always come back to me and say “It went well”. What? It means they are ok with making mistakes. Their state is not affected by failure no more. Performance doesn’t define who they are. They go on to achieve things for real without the strain of “having to be perfect every time”

What Is Your Contribution To The World However Small?

What is that you offer that it is unique to you and you give to the world without effort. No matter how small you can bring something which is usually under your awareness level. “Hey, I can touch my nose with my tongue”. Open like that. “This morning I made a fantastic bowl of oatmeal, then I put some raisins in it and I made the perfect breakfast”. Open like that.

Don’t care about the consequences. Let the chips fall where they may.