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[TobiasK]

BY Ozzie | November 22nd, 2010 at 10:19 PM
Being Awkward Socially
As a top fear in my live programs students fear being thrown into awkwardness in front of strangers. They conjure up that it will have catastrophic consequences on them. They fear they will act in a way that will be humiliating to themselves or do something that would reveal to the world how uncomfortable they are inside.

“Donny, you are out of your element.” (Walter, “The Big Lebowski”

The value of embarrassment

Nothing will guarantee your safety against the odd rejection if you try and meet women everywhere you are. Social awkwardness will continue to ride you no matter what. At certain moments, you will be unable to think of anything interesting to say and your crowd will go to sleep right there in front of you. Embarrassment and awkwardness will continue but its meaning can change to you. The more you confront social awkwardness and face it dead-on, the more it will lose its grip on you. It will feel neither dangerous nor threatening. It will have less of an impact on your levels of self-esteem; you won’t depend so much on others to validate you and you will become internally validated. You won’t stop being yourself despite your embarrassments and mistakes.

Socially awkward moments, through repetition, will feel like making day-to-day mistakes like forgetting to buy milk at the supermarket or leaving your ID at home and so on. They won’t feel dramatic at all.

Changing behaviours through changing meaning

Through social experimentation, you can change behaviours that affect you today. Behaviours only change when we attach a different meaning to social mistakes. Through social "faux pas" repetition you re-evaluate social threats and dangers so they come to have a different meaning to you.

For example, you tried to gain physical chemistry with a girl by hugging her. However, she rejected your hug but still kept on talking to you. You experimented with her and you learned a new lesson. You learned that hugging can still be safe with women even if they reject the hug the first time. Suddenly, you feel hugging women is not entirely a threat. It can be done with minor social cost. As a consequence you do more hugs to the women you interact with because you feel safe. You changed behaviour by attaching new meaning to it. So, now 7 women out of 10 take your hugs. Not a bad ratio to work with.

Developing new scripts

All of a sudden you discover the map is not the territory. Furthermore, you discover the map cannot contain the territory. It is virtually impossible because of all the nuances and limitless possibilities within social interactions. Even rejection doesn’t mean you are rejected. It may only be temporary.

When you can get away with a lot more than you thought, you become bolder. You become more of a risk-taker. You start getting the rewards that accompany risk-taking. You start developing a new script for social interactions with women.

Understand and respect womens' map when you meet them

You can have your map of how an interaction should go in accordance with your reality or perception of the world. You might try, in accordance with such a map, to make others conform to it. You become a control freak. If a woman, for example, operates from a map that is significantly different to yours it might be difficult to communicate or build rapport with this. Their map may be causing them to respond according to values, beliefs, etc. which may be at odds to yours.

Take the time to see her point of view. Try and see how she views the situation of you initiating an interaction with her. Be curious. Appreciate her opinions and views of the world and try to relate to them. Find things in common, as opposed to different, between you and her.

Thus when a woman’s map does not agree with yours -- she decides to terminate the interaction and go to the toilet for instance -- be tolerant. She might change her mind later on in the night. Opinions, when it comes to women, are often temporary. Be patient. Maybe later on in the night, you might want to talk to her again and both your maps might be aligned by then.

Drama

Drama happens when you meet women as a result of you trying to impose your map of the world onto others. You think that your way of seeing the world needs to be shared and revered. Tolerance goes out the window. As a result, guys get tight inside, hating and angry. Nobody wants to hang around somebody in such a state. We want to be around people that are loose and enjoying their lives. Imposing your criteria onto others is equivalent to “Everybody must like me or else...”. You become threatening and externally validated.